My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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