He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I supernannyed him into submission
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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