She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
