I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
