How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
