If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
