I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
