if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize