I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
