What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
