I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
