Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
