Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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