the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
