i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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