so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
