Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
