why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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