he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I lost the right to judge tonight
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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