Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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