life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
