I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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