I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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