Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I want her autograph on my taint
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize