I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
