ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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