What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
