I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
