I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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