forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
