why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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