Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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