oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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