I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
