So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
