I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
