dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
