I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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