You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
