I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
