Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
40s are totally the cure
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
