Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
