I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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