hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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