I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
