saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Also, beer. Big fan.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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