connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
