his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
