my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
