what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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