Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
