Yo dont text me then not text me
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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