i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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