My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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