I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
