can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
