I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
