dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
