You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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