i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
